


Let's be Lucky People, You & Me

by distantdreaming



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Disorder, Blatant Discussion of Mental Illness, F/F, F/M, Homophobia, M/M, as per usual for my works this deals heavily with mental illness and symptoms resulting from it, nico's trying his best, will just wants to be happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-03-07 11:30:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13433805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/distantdreaming/pseuds/distantdreaming
Summary: Nico has never really been comfortable with his sexuality, of that Will is much aware. Still, he didn't think (ever, in a million years) that Nico wouldleavelike that, to up and disappear. He gets it, hedoes,Nico had been placed in a very dangerous place when he'd been publically outed, but...Will had tried and tried to contact him and all he'd found was loneliness.So when Nico messages him out of the blue and comes crashing back into his life three months later, everything feels fine and like relief, but...the honeymoon phase never lasts, and Will and Nico need to sort out a lot of shit if they're going to be able to have the happy ending Will's always dreamed of.__or, mental health is a funny thing, if your kind of humor is watching life fuck you over when you're trying to make things work. this is adulthood, and even when you hold hands, it's still hard as hell to figure it all out.__Title from Waterpark's Lucky People.





	1. so when I say "forever," it's the goddamn truth, i'll keep finding, finding you

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter Title from Kesha's Finding You

It’s December 16th when he gets the message, and it’s seven o’clock on Friday night, and snow falls outside and coats the frosty ground in a soft white blanket. 

Will’s scrolling tumblr absently, killing time because he’s off today and it’s Winter Break and there’s nothing to do but nibble on Gingerbread men and await the intrusion of  a dozen and three family members to crowd his house and ask him if he’s got a girlfriend yet and if he’s doing well in school. He’s not willing to answer either, but he will and he’ll lie, because that’s what you do when your family only cares on the surface and you’ve got six cousins that are more important than you.

He frowns and pulls his heavily spiked eggnog closer to take another sip, feeling a headache start to build behind his eyes, the symptoms of stress and exhaustion washing down over him and ruining the calm mood he’d been trying to hold for at least a few more hours.

He knows, medically, that drinking on a mostly empty stomach will earn him a higher BAC, quicker than usual. He’s already a little tipsy, and he’s only a quarter of the way through the glass. Thankfully, he’s six two and fit enough to earn him a decent tolerance, even without real food and water interspersed between sips, because he really doesn’t feel like eating anything but he’s also not about to get drunk alone on his couch while his mom is  at work and his sister is at her friend’s house.

He passes a post that’s entirely pictures of puppies, and he wants to reblog it and tag  _ bae _ to make him smile, but he knows it hasn’t been that way between them in a while because it’s too much of a risk, and Will understands, knows that the danger isn’t fun at all, but gods.

He  _ misses _ Nico.

He takes another sip and sighs, reblogging it with the tag anyway, because it’s been two months and he’s still not fucking over the relationship, still not over the way Nico’s smile was reserved for certain people and  _ he _ had been one of them, once upon a time.

They haven’t spoken in weeks, Will hasn’t heard his voice or read those messages typed entirely in lowercase letters to fit an aesthetic Nico insisted he didn’t have, and he misses it. It’s like a constant ache, settled just below his heart and over his lungs, a gaping hole where Nico used to fit in so perfectly. Before, he’d been so head over heels it’d been hard to remember how to breathe, and he still feels that, but now it’s less because of warmth and butterflies and more because of ice and the feeling of missing what could be an entire limb for how much it’d meant to him.

It’s December and it’s never felt less like Christmas, and the snow falls outside but he welcomes the cold because at least  _ cold _ means  _ numb. _ The fairy lights twinkle in the windows, the fireplace crackles softly, and it should feel like home and happiness and it feels like a shattered shell of what it should be. How is it the happiest time of year when he’s alone? How is he supposed to feel the joy of the holidays when he’s lost the most important person he’d ever met, outside his sister and his mom? 

He doesn’t, and it sucks.

He’s in the middle of another long sip when tumblr’s messaging system dings, and a bubble pops up.

He chokes a little and sets the eggnog aside as quickly as he can, because he’d know the icon of that silhouette standing in a graveyard better than he knows whatever the fuck his own icon is, knows  _ momentoyourmori _ and the blog behind that url better than he knows himself. 

Heart in his throat, he opens the chat.

 

**momentoyourmori** : hi

 

Shit, it’s one word and it still makes his heart skip a beat and get caught in his throat. He’s typing his reply as quickly as he can when his hands are shaking.

The reply takes almost two entire minutes, and Will can’t breathe. His heart is in his throat, jammed so tightly he can’t do anything but wait and pray that whatever the reply  _ is _ , it’ll allow him to pull in a breath. 

 

**momentoyourmori** : im sorry

 

“Fuck,” he breathed, heart seizing. Nico hadn’t so much as texted when he’d disappeared, and Will had called and texted and messaged and fucking  _ emailed _ him, all to no avail. He’d simply disappeared, and Will only knew he was still alive because Percy Jackson had been nice enough to confirm it. 

He feels like he should be mad, like this late and mediocre apology shouldn’t be enough and he should be readying his fingers to type a rant, but honestly?

He’s so fucking happy to hear from Nico at all that he just doesn’t care. Anger and bitterness are poisonous anyway, he’s not interested in being any more miserable than he already is. 

pancakesandpolaroids: it’s okay, you were scared of legitimate threats. i’m not mad at you, i just miss you. 

His fingers are shaking as he hits send, and he swallows. Nico had disappeared when someone had caught them on camera kissing at a Halloween party, and the photo had ended up online. Unfortunately, Nico’s sexuality was not public information, and he attended a very conservative school and had a very old-fashioned family, so while it  _ hurt _ that he just left and didn’t even send a farewell text, Will understood. 

Nico had always been terrified of being outed, and of that outing meaning his family would turn on him, or he’d be expelled, or his sisters would hate him, or all of the above and some other nasty homophobic things to boot. Nico’s luck was generally really fucking shitty, but having his worst fear come true was still a serious and unexpected blow, and Will had spent all of November worried sick and therefore literally sick until Percy had finally pulled him aside and confirmed Nico was okay, if not particularly in the area or willing to talk to him. 

 

**momentoyourmori** : yeah but like

**momentoyourmori** : it was still shitty that i just left

**momentoyourmori** : i didnt think abt what it would do to u :/

 

Will had to resist a slightly hysterical laugh, already typing before he’d even really read the last word. 

pancakesandpolaroids: yeah i mean i figured? but it’s nbd bc i wasn’t in any sort of risk or danger, and you were. it’s totally understandable that your focus was on your safety rather than my emotional wellness. 

Nico’s reply takes a few minutes again, and Will takes a long sip of his eggnog, jittery with nerves and impatient enough to be messing with the hole in the sleeve of his old sweater and making it worse. 

 

**momentoyourmori** : i ended up leaving the city for a while, went to stay with jason in cali. had a lot of panic attacks. hazel and bianca showed up three days ago and i blacked out from a panic attack, but when i woke up everyone was crying & hugging me and basically they dont care as long as i dont leave again

**momentoyourmori** : all my dad did was pat me on the head and tell me to make good choices

 

Will’s laugh this time is genuine, because if he could have predicted any kind of response from Nico’s stoic father, that would definitely have been it. It wasn’t that he was mean or that he didn’t love his kids, but more that he was the type of man to experience all of his emotions internally and only output expressions when they were particularly powerful or the situation was suitably dire. 

Nico had inherited the tendency to cover literally every single emotion with something else, but instead of regal indifference, his mask of choice was generally dry sarcasm and morbid humor. 

 

**pancakesandpolaroids** : nico!!!!! that’s amazing!!!!

 

Thankfully, Nico’s replies speed back up again. 

 

**momentoyourmori** : i mean i did get expelled

**momentoyourmori** : but that was for a fight on campus that resulted from the photo being leaked to my dorms fb and octavian starting a witch hunt for anyone not ramrod straight

**momentoyourmori** : he also got expelled and also arrested

**momentoyourmori** : which i probably couldve stopped but like  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ he broke my nose so fuck him

 

“Jesus,” Will says helplessly, but it’s not even remotely surprised. 

 

**pancakesandpolaroids** : are you ok? like have you tried to fight the ruling or have you applied somewhere else or

**momentoyourmori** : yeah im actually gonna be goin to chb w u and perce and his whole squad

 

“Oh my god,” he blurts, sitting up a little straighter and almost spilling his eggnog. 

Nico’s family’s estate was on the other side of town and over an hour’s drive away, and his private university had been another two hours in the opposite direction. Will had really only seen him on weekends, and even then it was more of every other weekend. 

Will’s school, though, was only fifteen minutes from his apartment. 

 

**pancakesandpolaroids** : like?? this semester coming up????

**momentoyourmori** : ya

**momentoyourmori** : need a place to stay tho bc all the student housing & dorms are full n my dad wont pay for me to have an entire apartment to myself when he knows what im like living alone

**momentoyourmori** : so im kinda just gonna be asking everyone i kno to borrow their couches for a bit each week until sth frees up

 

Will snorts. 

 

**pancakesandpolaroids** : OR, and hear me out here, OR you come stay with me, bc you never actually broke up with me and i still have a drawer full of your things and a bed more than big enough for both of us

**momentoyourmori** : oh

**momentoyourmori** : you dont hate me?

 

Fuck this. 

Will finds his phone in the fold of the couch and dials Nico’s number by heart, not even needing to pull up a contact. 

Nico answers after only a ring, but instead of a verbal greeting, all Will gets is a quiet sigh. 

“No,” he says, firm, not bothering with small talk. “No, I don’t, you nerd. Like I said, I’m not even mad. Upset, sure, but that’s just ‘cause I was really worried about you. I’m not mad at you, and I  _ definitely _ don’t hate you.”

Nico swallows audibly, but he doesn’t say anything yet, so Will just plows on. 

“I literally do still have all your stuff exactly where you left it, including the hoodie you basically own of mine that you left on my couch. I still love you, I  _ do _ , and I still want to see you again. This was a shitty thing, but it’s not your fault, and it’s not  _ your _ shitty thing. We didn’t help you feel safe enough here to stay and run to one of us instead, and that...that sucks, Nico, and I  _ promise _ I’m gonna try to be better.” Will’s voice cracks a few times, but Nico doesn’t comment on it at all, not even by a sound. 

“It’s not…” Nico says, trailing off softly and heaving another sigh. Hearing his voice, even as defeatedly small as it currently sounds, is the best possible gift the holidays could have given him. “It’s not that it wasn’t…safe. I didn’t wanna be here. I see people from my school around my side of town, and Persephone is all huffy because of my ‘misconduct’ or whatever the fuck she’s labeled it as now, and Bianca was studying abroad when I left anyway. I didn’t wanna make any of you guys deal with my mess.”

“Nico,” Will breathes, rubbing his face with his free hand after moving all of his shit aside and out of the way. “Nico. Dealing with your ‘mess’ and everything else about you is  _ exactly _ what I signed up for. And the rest of us, your  _ friends _ , we want to be there for you even if you’re unhappy, and  _ especially _ if you’re hurting. That’s what friends do, okay? We help each other and we care for each other.”

Nico made a small noise, something between exasperation and fondness, and shifted. Finally, he spoke again, a little more confidently. “You’re such a  _ nerd _ .”

“Yeah,” Will says automatically, “but you’re into nerds, so who’s really the one with the problem here?”

Nico snorts. “Fucker,” he says, completely fondly, sighing out a breath. “Anyway, yeah. Alright. I’ll stay. I’m still gonna look for a place or something, but…it’s a good temp, I guess.”

“You ‘guess’?” Will teased. “Damn, I’m  _ up _ there, right next to a cardboard box on the streets, huh?”

“Shut the fuck up, Solace.” Nico’s tone is comfortably warm, and it’s achingly familiar and it sounds like happiness and home. “You’re a dumbass. Are you home now?”

Will winces, and the moment shatters. “Uh, no.”

“Oh,” Nico says, blank.

“I’m sorry,” Will says, soft, leaning his arms on his knees when he gets suddenly tired. “I, uh…I wasn’t really doing well, Ma flew me home for the holidays. I’m in Tennessee, so…yeah. I’m not supposed to fly back until the second.”

“Jesus,” Nico says dryly, flat, but not really unkind; Nico had a way of just expressing his emotions and thoughts on things bluntly, without any polite sugarcoating. If he meant to be mean or to hurt, he would, and it would be way more intentional than a passing derisive comment. “Fuck, man, what the hell am I supposed to do until then? Stay at home? Fuck that, it’s our turn to host the family fucking dinner, and Demeter’s gonna be there trying to shove her bland-ass breakfasts down my throat while Persephone tries to coldproof the greenhouses with literally anyone who doesn’t escape her view fast enough.”

Will can’t help but laugh a little, because as wild as his own family sometimes seems, Nico’s family holidays are generally kind of like watching a bunch of drunk wine moms arguing over who has the most dramatic life at the moment. “Sorry, babe. I mean, why don’t you…ask to fly in? My mom’s been hounding me about you, I haven’t really…told her anything about why I’ve been a little fucked up.”

Nico huffs, and it’s somehow fond again. “You  _ would _ , you marshmallow. Uh, I mean…” he trails off for a moment, and shifts again before responding, paper rustling in the background. “Yeah, I guess. Dad’ll let me go, he knows I hate it here when it’s Family Bonding Time, and I already know he’s orchestrating a work call to get himself out of it so it’s not like he can really make me stay without being a raging hypocrite. I think my sisters will let me do anything as long as I keep in contact daily.”

Will covers a hesitant, slightly hysterical grin with his free hand. “Fuck. Yeah, I…yeah. Do it. Let’s do it. Fuck it, come spend Christmas with me, help me  _ finally _ convince my extended family I’m actually really bi and not just an attention grabber.”

Nico’s quiet for a moment, and Will immediately regrets saying anything about coming out to anyone, ever, for any reason, but before he can really overthink it enough to give himself an anxiety attack, Nico’s speaking again. “Fuck it,” he echoes, and he sounds like his normal self, all easy words and intoxicating confidence in who he is. “I’m done hiding, it didn’t do me any fucking favors. Yeah, let’s show your family how gay you are, why not?”

“Shit,” Will blurts before he can stop himself. “Why is that hot? Why are you making me hot and bothered right now?”

Nico laughs, warm again. “Am I? That’s cute. I’m just…I wanna be  _ me _ , you know? Not the censored version of myself I’ve been trying to cling to to make everyone else happy. I just… _ I _ wanna be happy. And part of being happy is being able to hold your hand, even if we’re in the middle of Target. So…yeah. Fuck it. I mean it.”

“Even with an explanation, it’s still hot,” Will says brightly, and Nico’s laugh is worth the blush on his cheeks.


	2. a thousand years go by, love don't die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chap title cred to the fray - love don't die

Nico’s arrival is two and a half days later, and if Will knows that’s it’s been about fifty-two hours exactly, then that’s something he can just keep to himself, right?

He stands at the airport with an obnoxious sign, _di Angelo_ written in obnoxious glittery black letters exclusively because he knows Nico will fucking hate it. It’s got a blue glittery border, and Will’s got a bright purple hoodie on over his old orange summer camp shirt, which is where he and Nico had met. He even has the jean cutoff shorts Nico makes fun of, so he’s dressed to annoy, which is the main reason he’d chosen everything he’s doing.

Nico’s always more comfortable when he can express emotions he likes as opposed to having to act like something he isn’t feeling, and he hates being sappy in public and he hates hiding that he’s affectionate.

Will is giving him an introduction that is the opposite of sweet.

Nico, when he steps out of the terminal’s flood of exiting passengers, gives him a dead stare as soon as he spots the entire sign and Will’s outfit choice.

He doesn’t even say anything, just walks right up, punches Will in the shoulder just gently enough where it _probably_ won’t bruise, then takes his hand and starts dragging him, sign and all, to baggage claim.

Will laughs, folding the sign under his arm and keeping pace with Nico’s irritated quick stride. “How was your flight?”

“Fuck babies,” Nico says instantly. “And more importantly, fuck shitty parents with fucking earplugs, _honestly_ how hard is it to soothe your child to sleep on a smooth flight? Babies sleep like _cats_ , you can get them to knock out for _hours_ , _all the time_ , and yet this damn kid screamed for like half the flight!”

Will’s grin is obnoxiously wide, and he knows Nico can see it, but he doesn’t bother pretending like he finds this anything but utterly hilarious. “I’m sorry for your loss,” he says, as solemn as he can manage.

“You’re such a dick,” Nico says, rolling his eyes. “Like, have a little sympathy, I had a shit flight and you look all well-rested and cheery, what the fuck is that? And what the _hell_ are you wearing?”

“You don’t like it?” Will says with as much fake surprise as he can, and considering he’s grown up in a family of theater nerds, it’s quite a lot. He even adds a dramatic gasp and maneuvers the board under his arm to splay a hand on his chest like he’s gonna swoon from the shock of it all.

“Oh my god,” Nico says, completely devoid of tone. “I’m dating a dork.”

Internally, Will’s inner monologue is _hesaiddatinghesaiddating hESAIDDATINGH E S A I D D A T I N G,_ but in the in the interests of pretending like he’s still all dramatic and not bowled over with affection, he merely flings that hand to his forehead and gives another, more dramatic gasp.

He can’t help but break character and laugh when the board falls and he stumbles over it, though, and Nico immediately grabs it to whack him with, using the shitty foamboard to nudge him toward baggage claim with repeated little whacks and pokes.

“Alright, alright!” He laughs, trying and failing to get the board back. Nico’s nimble, and he’s always been too quick for Will to catch, so he just dodges Will’s every attempt at grabbing it back and instead continues to herd WIll like a disobedient farm animal toward a barn, or something.

(Will has never been on a farm, despite where he grew up. He’s in the part of Nashville where everything is country music and art and every other kind of music and theater.)

* * *

 

“ _MA!_ ” Will yells into the house the moment he unlocks the door and pushes it open. “I brought Nico!”

There’s distant barking, a scramble of paws on wood flooring, and then Will’s family pets come careening around the hall corner to barrel over in greeting.

He manages to click the door shut right before Hamburglar the German Shepard and Defense Secretary Waggins the Yorkie hit them at full speed.

Nico is immediately pinned to the door to get a full-on cuddle from Hamburglar, and Will scoops up DS Waggins to set him on top of the cuddle pile Nico happily slides to the floor to take part in. Since Nico’s family has three big Mastiff-Pit Bull mixes, Will isn’t remotely concerned about Nico withstanding an energetic pair of cuddle-addicted dogs like his own.

WIll’s mom rounds the corner a moment later, smiling happily at the scene before her; Nico is in the process of getting his entire face licked by Ham’s insistent happy greetings, and he’s got one hand on Ham and the other trying to keep DS Waggins from physically climbing on top of Ham to get at the other side of his head. He’s laughing, and Will’s totally filming it on Snapchat, not even pretending to be subtle about it.

Eventually, Nico is deemed thoroughly greeted, and Will helps him to his feet, scratching behind Ham’s ears and helping Nico wipe the slobber off his face, using Will’s hoodie sleeve.

It’s a good thing he doesn’t care about this jacket.

Nico’s smile is beaming, radiant, and Will honestly would’ve used his favorite jacket if it meant keeping that beautiful smile in place.

* * *

Dinner isn’t as chaotic as Will expects, even though his little sister is home and she and his mom both _adore_ Nico, and Nico’s weakness for kids means he’s got an even attention split between them both.

It’s endlessly cute, and Will spends most of his dinner staring. It’s not even remotely subtle, and he doesn’t care. Nico’s still smiling, and it’s amazing. Will would sell his soul on the spot for a single corn chip to keep that gorgeous smile on his face, would sacrifice his own guitar, his record collection, and probably himself too.

Will misses like three questions from his mom because he keeps staring like the hopelessly smitten lovesick fool he is, but thankfully she doesn’t seem to mind, because Will himself is probably happier than she’s seen in a while. He has a good Ma, she won’t push it until he’s ready to come to her about it. He treasures her.

Beth, however.

“Why are you smiling like that??” Beth asks, pointing at him with the broccoli speared at the end of her fork.

“Eat your vegetables,” Will says automatically, but he can’t make himself stop smiling. He’s a useless sap, is what he is.

Nico rolls his eyes, but beneath the table, his foot slides over to rest against Will’s.

It sets Will’s heart beating into a little happy gallop, and he ducks his head and bites his lip over the widening smile he has no hope of truly hiding. Nico’s just _here_ and _real_ and _back_ , and literally nothing matters but those facts.

* * *

Nico sits across from him on Will’s window seat, playing absently with the strings of his (very black, much goth, wow) hoodie, staring out the window instead of looking over. It’s okay, though, because Will gets to freely study his profile, and it’s so beautiful his heart aches in his chest in the best possible way.

Nico heaves a slow sigh, resting his forehead against the glass. “We...should probably talk about it,” he says softly. “Like, more than we did. It, uh...was a while.”

Will shrugs. It had sucked in the moment, but now that it’s over, he really can’t bring himself to care. “You’re back,” he says simply. “So it’s fine.”

Nico turns to him with a rather incredulous expression. “No, it’s really not. It’s really fucked up.”

“But I don’t care,” Will repeats, insistent. He doesn’t want to talk about it because he doesn’t want to think about it, and Nico is _here_ , so...it’s fine. He’s fine now.

“Fine. _I_ care.” Nico’s frowning at him, and his dark eyes are at peak intensity. As always when Nico’s focus is lasered in, Will squirms a little in his seat.

“We already talked about it,” Will insists helplessly, uncomfortable now.

“Then let’s talk about it more,” Nico says flatly, folding his arms. “Why aren’t you mad at me?”

“Because,” Will says, and his throat is tightening and he doesn’t know why. “Because, Nico, I don’t wanna fight about this!”

“It’s not a _fight_ ,” Nico says helplessly. “Fuck, Will, we don’t have to _argue_ about it, but we can discuss it!”

Will’s heart is beating faster. He hasn’t felt this in a while, partly because he hasn’t been feeling much of anything, but...fuck, he had _not_ missed it. It feels like he’s being wound up like a fucking yo-yo, and he shifts his feet back and forth to try and release some of the tension.

It does not work.

“No,” Will says, pleading. “Nico. No, please.”

Nico’s watching him with that same close, piercing sort of stare, and his eyes flit over Will’s whole body before he sighs shortly and looks back out the window. “Fine, not now. But I still wanna talk about it.”

Will slides off the bench to pace across his floor, and it’s not until he’s neatening his already nicely made bed that he remembers he had medication for this. He doesn’t fucking remember where it _is_ , but he has it. Where the hell would he have left it?

He moves toward his cluttered up desk, sifting through the miscellaneous magazines and papers and other bullshit he hasn’t gotten around to neatening up or putting away, wondering if the little orange bottle had gotten set on the desk and loss in the muddle.

No dice, and he’s huffing out a breath, heart still too-quick behind his ribs. It’s fine, maybe it’s on the equally untidy top of his dresser. This is where he moves to next, nudging aside concert ticket stubs and guitar picks and _that’s_ where his second-best stethoscope had gone, he’d been _looking_ for that!

He jumps when Nico’s finger brush his arm, uncertain.

“What?” he says, and he can’t keep the slight tremor out of his tone, which is embarrassing.

“Are you okay?” Nico asks softly, genuinely concerned.

Will’s throat closes up and he tips his head back, mumbling a curse with the last of his breath. He has no idea why he’s so close to tears, or why his fucking heart won’t slow down, but it’s not something he’s remembering how to handle.

Nico shifts beside him, and then he speaks again, his voice even softer. “Can I touch you?”

Will manages a small nod, a little confused at why Nico’s asking but not really in the headspace to think about it at the moment, what with his own breathing suddenly sounding too loud in his ears. And then Nico’s arms fold over his waist, pulling him close and squeezing with _just_ the right amount of pressure and—

…

—and god, it’s like the air rushes back in all at once, and it’s followed by a sob, but he wraps his arms around Nico and pulls him as close as possible, burying his face against Nico’s hair. It makes sense, now. He doesn’t want to talk about it, because to talk about it is to bring back the pain and the hurt, and he isn’t ready to face that shit again.

Even with Nico by his side, he isn’t ready to dredge that up and face it and deal with it. His anxiety won’t even let him get through a damn conversation about talking about it, he can’t imagine how much hell it’ll be when they actually _do_ end up on the subject.

Thankfully, Nico seems to understand, and they stand there together as Will’s panic slowly, slowly subsides. Nico’s hands run up and down his back, and his hair smells like mint and chocolate and coffee, three of Nico’s favorite things. It’s been so long since this particular scent has been so close that Will’s heart aches, and it’s bittersweet.

Nico’s so close, and so familiar, but he’s just a touch thinner and it’s been so long since Will’s held him that it almost feels new again. It’s terrifying that it’s like this, that it’s so torn, but Will still wouldn’t trade Nico’s proximity for the world on a silver platter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyy y'all, you're too sweet to me honestly. i've had....a hell of a 2017, and a lot went down lol. for one, i have diagnosed and medicated general anxiety, which explains a lot about me. i also discovered i needed glasses. i am bad at figuring out what isn't normal lmao, but i'm learning slowly. gotta work through more mental shit, but it's less bad now that i'm not literally constantly panicking lmao. anywho, i hope you enjoy, idk where this is going, but i'm excited. i know the theme and time is weird, but...i started working on this in december 2016, and them reworked it at the end of 2017 and now here we are. i'll bring us out of xmas soon enough, but i got a buffer, it's still january! it's fine, everything is fine.


	3. and you can tell everybody, this is your song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...i'm sorry lol. post-fic explanation. title cred to lady gaga's revamp of elton john's your song.

Being so close to him is a little odd with this new sort of barrier between them, Will thinks as he and Nico lounge on Will’s bed. He should be at ease, right?

But his heart is beating just a bit too fast and his chest is just a bit too tight, and he’s trying his damndest not to think and just to feel and enjoy the movie Nico picked out for them to watch. It’s some horror, and Will honestly cannot recall the name, and Nico had just picked it not even twenty minutes ago after fucking around and scrolling through Netflix for like fifteen minutes.

It’s annoying, this lack of focus. He might even like the movie if he could get his head on straight and fucking pay attention to it for longer than three consecutive seconds.

But alas, here he is, fighting off an anxiety attack as subtly as he possibly can as he plays with Nico’s hair.

After someone onscreen screams, Nico snorts softly, and then reaches over to Will’s PS4 remote and pauses the film. Will blinks, but before his surprise can manifest any further, Nico rolls onto his back and stares up at Will from Will’s own lap.

“Wanna talk about it?” Nico asks lightly.

Fuck.

“Fuck,” Will blurts, letting his head tip back against the wall as he exhales. “Sorry. I didn’t think you’d notice.”

“No,” Nico said, still light. “You didn’t think I was paying attention. You know me well enough to know I’d notice. Two different things.”

Will can feel the flush warm his cheeks, and he closes his eyes, not even wanting to see the old glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to the popcorn ceiling above his bed, arranged in little crooked constellations by his eight-year-old hands when he’d sat on his mother’s shoulders to reach. “Not really,” he says finally.

“I still think we should,” Nico says, and it’s a Statement, all decisive and plain.  

“I know,” Will says slowly. “But I don’t really think my heart can take it right now.”

Nico sighs out a breath, looking back toward the paused screen. “Yeah, but can your heart really  handle this extended low anxiety, either?”

Will winces. “Well, you got me there.”

“I always do,” Nico says cheerily.

Will snorts, unable to help it, ruffling Nico’s hair as he relaxes a little. He’s comfortable enough to look at him again, and Nico flashes him this crooked little grin that’s altogether too cute for Will’s own good.

It almost makes him cave to Nico’s suggestion of talking about it.

Almost.

Nico reaches up and pokes his cheek, pressing his fingers in and prodding playfully until he pushes Will’s mouth into a smile. When he succeeds and Will smiles for real, he beams as he puts a pointer finger in each of Will’s dimples.

Will’s heart  _ aches _ , he’s so in love right now.

Instead of saying anything overly sappy or sad, he takes the back of one of  Nico’s hands in one of his and kisses the palm, then his fingers, and then the tips of them. All the while, Nico just smiles and smiles, and his other hand drops down to lace their free fingers together. 

Will is so, so in love.

* * *

The anxiety doesn’t go away magically like he’d hoped it would.

Instead, it gets worse, which is the dead opposite of what he wanted.

He finds himself stopping in the middle of doing things with his heart racing in his chest, his breath a little too fast, his head a little light. It’s annoying as shit, as he’s starting to have to take breaks just to get through the day without an anxiety attack. It’s whenever Nico leaves the room for longer than ten or fifteen minutes, and Nico’s found him three times now on the brink of a panic attack.

He can’t hide it, and he also won’t explain it, and he can  _ feel _ Nico’s temper rising. He just...he can’t bring it up when it runs the risk of scaring Nico off. Nico’s fight or flight has nearly always ended in flight unless he was totally cornered. It’s fucked up, but the very thing Will’s so terrified of might be the exact thing he corners Nico into doing.

But, honestly, it isn’t until Will walks into his bedroom to find Nico curled up in a ball on his bed and shaking that it hits him.

He isn’t the only one struggling.

Nico just has a lot more practice hiding it.

Shit. 

He’s awful, he’s terrible, he  _ knows _ Nico has just as much if not  _ more _ anxiety than he does, his is just medicated. Fuck, he hadn’t even stopped to think about what this wall between them felt like on the other side. He’d been selfishly protecting himself from something that might not even come to pass and hurting Nico in the process. 

Helplessly, he’s stuck in the doorway, fidgeting and wordless and unable to convince himself to either go in and comfort or run away like the goddamn coward he is. 

“Will?” Nico says, voice as wet as his cheeks when he lifts his head a little. His distraught expression breaks Will’s heart, and he reaches out little grabby hands like a toddler and Will gravitates toward him without even thinking about it. 

He takes the shaking hands in his and keeps going, pulling Nico’s arms around him and laying them both down on the bed to curl up. Nico tucks his head into Will’s chest, and Will can feel them both trembling, but it’s okay. They’re okay.

* * *

 

They do eventually get to talking. 

It starts slow, with them sitting in Will’s room and doing their own things in the same space, and then Nico runs out of patience for the drawing he’s been working on and Will’s hit in the temple by an eraser. 

He looks up from the pre-med textbook he’d been reading for the better part of an hour now, arching a brow. “Yes? Can I help you?”

“Fuck you,” Nico says instantly, and it’s not that sharp, but there’s enough bite for Will to know he’s still mad. 

Strangely, Will’s anxiety doesn’t rise, even though Nico’s frowning at him and folding his arms. He’s calm, patient, the perfect balance to Nico’s temper, something he hadn’t felt since Nico left. This, this is  _ familiar _ , this is how they  _ work _ . 

“Okay,” Will says, not even letting himself think about it for too long. “But you really wanna do that with my mom downstairs?”

Nico’s expression flickers, lips twitching at the corners, and the tension shatters. Will grins, because nothing between them had felt this right since Nico’s return. 

“I’m  _ mad, _ ” Nico insists, fighting his smile and losing badly. “At  _ you _ .”

“I know,” Will says, tossing his book aside. “It’s because I’m so distracting, all you can think about is kissing me.”

Nico loses more of his battle to keep his frown. “No! Because you’re being all introverted and shit and not letting me help you!”

“I am the peopliest of people people,” Will says, putting as much drama into his tone as he possibly can, flinging out an arm and placing a hand to his chest. “ _I,_ _me_ , being _introverted_? Say it ain’t _so!”_

“ _ Will _ ,” Nico says insistently around a laugh. “I’m trying to have a serious conversation here!”

“And  _ I _ am trying to make you laugh,” Will retorts, leaning over to move Nico’s sketchbook off his lap and drag him across the bed, closer. 

Nico squeaks and squirms in his grip, but the laugh Will’s seeking bubbles out of him and spills out of his mouth like bells, and it’s a beautiful sound. It’s honest and sweet and so very  _ Nico _ , and it’s one of Will’s favorite sounds. 

Naturally, Will begins a tickle fight. 

It’s the kind of light intimacy they’d both craved, they’ve both  _ needed _ , and it feels like a void in Will’s chest is finally starting to fill again. Nico’s  _ here _ , and his warm skin is under Will’s hands and his laugh is in the air and Will can feel his fingers as they brush over whatever parts of Will they reach. It’s incredible, the simplicity in a touch and the complexity in the effect it has on him.

Eventually, they collapse aside one another panting, the occasional laugh still escaping. Nico’s fingers are wound with his, tight and very much present, and it’s grounding.

“I’m sorry,” Will says finally, tipping his head to the side to face Nico.

Nico’s grin is a little lopsided, a little sad. “I know,” he says, quiet. “Me too.”

Will rolls onto his side so he can bring his other arm over and brush his fingers over Nico’s cheek, smoothing silky black curls back and dusting over faint freckles. “I’m scared I’m gonna lose you again,” he admits, barely audible, “that I’m going to wake up and you’re just going to be gone, noteless and lost for another too long. I don’t think my heart can handle it.”

Nico winces, but he doesn’t pull away, and Will’s anxiety doesn’t spike as a result. It’s there, ever-present as always, but it isn’t spiking actively.

“Yeah, I…” Nico trails off, and brings the hand holding Will’s up between them so he can focus on and play with Will’s hand. “I’m sorry about that. About leaving. I didn’t really think about how it’d affect you, which is...pretty fucked up. But I...I dunno, I almost feel like it was...like I’d have made it so much worse if I’d stayed. I did a lot of self-work when I was gone, figured out a lot about myself and about who I am, and I don’t...I don’t think that would’ve been as successful if I was still letting you be my shelter, you know? I...I was too dependent on you to make me feel okay.”

It hurts, hearing that, but Will’s rational side allows him to see that it’s probably true. 

“I’m still mad you didn’t just break up with me outright or  _ tell _ me you needed space,” he says after a moment, because that’s also true.

“That’s fair,” Nico says, simple, “that was fucked up. I fucked up, and I’m sorry. I can promise you I’ll do everything in my power to make sure I never do it again.”

Will feels a knot he didn’t even realize he had loosened and come apart in his chest, and it’s like he can breathe again after being unable to for a while. Overwhelmed, he drags Nico closer to hug him tight, burying his face into inky curls and just staying there, breathing him in in gulps.

Nico’s hands are gentle, one rubbing his back and the other in his hair, stroking, holding him as tight as he is Nico. Usually, Will’s the one wrapped around Nico, but this is the other way around, and it’s so secure that Will’s usually fantastic control snaps and he can feel tears start to escape.

Nico shushes him gently, but it’s not mean or anything negative, just a soft sort of  _ it’s okay, I’m here _ sound, and he shifts it seamlessly into humming a lullaby. Will clings, and cries, and everything kind of feels like it might be okay again somehow.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so...i had the worst experience one can possibly have with a roommate for a long time, and it was daily anxiety attacks. after that i just...i kinda lost the will to write, i was so stressed out _all_ of the time. i still haven't completely recovered if i'm being honest, but thankfully most of this was already written. i'm really sorry, i meant to come back and i meant to explain but this is kind of all i have to offer right now. i'm hoping to find enough peace again to be comfortable and to find the joy i always have found in writing, but for now i'd say maybe don't expect any long, slow-burn chapter fics from me for a bit. i didn't mean to end this here, but i also know i won't pick it up again, so i hope i was able to offer some sort of closure.


End file.
